Let's have a party! A Computer Beach Party!!

As soon as I found out there was a film called Computer Beach Party I was sold. I just love depictions of computer usage in 80's movies...and being generally fond of crap 80's college comedies this should be a winner, right? Hmmmm...well, not quite. Although the computer bits are pretty awesome, as are the party scenes, the main part of this film is still a mess. A relatively charming mess perhaps, but still a mess.

There is a vague attempt at a coherent story line in there somewhere...

Dennis and Andy are two young friends who spend most of their days hanging out on the beach 'skurfing' (racing their little weird beach buggies). They find out that the mayor of the town wants to buy and annex the part of the beach they use and they immediately sense something fishy going on. Then one day they find a gold coin in the sand. Maybe that legend about the old buried treasure is true and that's why the rotten mayor wants their beach? Maybe. Andy manages to fall in love with Allison, the mayor's daughter, and woos her with his impressive computer set-up. And he's got some serious techie skills.

Yeah, that's right! Horoscopes on a computer!

Of course party-planning involves more computer wizardry. He hacks into some party planning tool and after a few clicks where the word 'sex' flashes up at random he gets the message: 'Your V.I.P. party has been activated'. How awesome is that? Pretty awesome.

The actual party is also pretty damn awesome. There's even a glam metal band playing live and everything.

Erm...I'm not sure if it gets hard to follow here or if I just lost interest. The mayor has put up loads of lifeguard stands on the beach, which Andy and Dennis destroy. Andy starts to suspect that Allison is in on her dad's evil plans. Then there's also a stupid cop who keeps chasing after a car that looks like a chicken.

Hmmm. Yes. In the end everything works out just swell for everyone. There is no treasure, so Andy and Dennis can keep doing their thing...and Dennis beats Turk, the mayor's goon, at skurfing.

There's also a random title card towards the end when the mayor find out that Andy and Dennis know about his plans.

I'm not sure if they just forgot to shoot that scene or if they just thought it would be hilarious.

Computer Beach Party is one of those films...it is absolutely terrible, there is no doubt about that...but at the same time it definitely has a certain charm to it. It does drag on and its 97 minute running time feels like forever, but I did manage to sit through it all. But then it's not really a film you should watch on your own on a Tuesday night. Add a bunch of friends and a few beers into the equation and Computer Beach Party might just be perfect film. Actually, make that a lot of beer. If you drink enough the poorly dubbed dialogue might actually slide into sync.

And here's the glorious trailer...not original, but cut together by the folks at The Found Footage Festival, who apparently screened this film a few years back.

Swamp Thing (1982)

"Everything's a dream when you're alone"

That's just one of many pseudo-philosphical one-liners you get treated to in Swamp Thing, Wes Craven's attempt at adapting a DC Comic for the big screen. I know nothing about this comic, or comics in general, so I have no idea if it's a successful/truthful adaptation - all I know is that the film is an absolute blast.

I had pretty much given up on Wes Craven after Scream 4, which was one of the most atrocious piles of shit I have ever forced myself to sit through in the cinema. But, when the good folks at The Good Bad Movie Club announced that they were going to screen Swamp Thing at The Prince Charles...well...I decided to give the man another chance.

And I'm really glad I did. In fact, I might even watch that copy of Craven's Deadly Blessing (1981) I bought from Arrow Video a while back. It's been collecting collecting dust in fear of a repeat Scream 4 experience.

Anyway, Swamp Thing...a proper so bad it's amazing kinda film. An absolute top cast, with Ray Wise (you know, Leland Palmer in Twin Peaks amongst other things), Nicholas Worth (who was amazing in Don't Answer The Phone (1980)), David Hess (of The Last House on The Left (1972) and The House On The Edge Of The Park (1980) fame)...and then Adrienne Barbeau, who's been in a shitload of things, including Cannibal Women In The Avocado Jungle Of Death (1989).

The film is cheesy, but extremely charming and fun. Wise plays Doctor Holland, a scientist working on a secret project hidden away in a swamp. His goal, to create a combination of animal and plant capable of thriving under the harshest of conditions. So, yeah...his intentions are good, but just around the corner lurks evil...in the shape of Dr Anton Arcane, an evil scientist (actually, I'm not quite sure what he is) who wants to rule the world. He and his militia goons attempt to steal Holland's notebooks and the potion but it all goes a bit wrong. Holland turns into a half-man, half-swamp creature with super human strength and Alice (Barbeau) runs off with notebook number 7, containing the last piece of the puzzle. What follows is a cat and mouse chase through the swamp, where Arcane's goons try over and over again to get their hands on the book, only to be stopped by Holland (now the Swamp Thing!) Alice goes from being scared of Swampie to falling for his charms after realising that he's still Dr Holland at heart. It's all very stupid, but surprisingly sweet and never gets boring. It's really well-paced throughout.

A great film to watch with some friends and some beers. Louis Jordan really steals the show as the loon bag Arcane and the film is worth watching just to hear his hilarious, but often completely nonsensical one-liners.

"A man who loves, gives hostages to fortune."

Erm...yes.

So, give Swamp Thing a chance...you won't regret it.

Last night the guys at The Good Bad Movie Club had managed to locate a pristine 35mm print of the film and it really looked gorgeous. Normally when you're watching old prints scratches are part of the charm, but seeing a scratch-free 30-year old print was pretty awesome.

Trailer...

An old favorite - The Gods Must Be Crazy III (1991)

I don't really know/understand what's up with all these old classics being available in their entirety on youtube. It seems to be a recent thing. But, I guess we shouldn't complain...and take advantage of it while it lasts.

The one I found today is one my all-time favorites, a film that is incredibly stupid and crap in every possible way, yet utterly awesome. Yup, it's pretty impossible to dislike The Gods Must Be Crazy III (aka Crazy Safari).

Here it is...enjoy!

Chopping Mall (1986)

How can you not love a film that contains lines like:

"Let's go send these fuckers a Rambo-gram"

and

"What's that? Robot blood."

and

"Computer, huh? Let's go crash the fucker"

and

"I guess I'm not used to being chased around a mall in the middle of the night by killer robots"

The movie....

Oh yes! Seriously...Chopping Mall is just awesome...and is pretty much the definition of a true 80's classic. It has everything you want...EVERYTHING! Robots shooting laser, exploding heads, computers with square flashing lights, nudity, terrible clothes, ridiculous haircuts, big guns, electrocutions...it's all there....and more...the list goes on.

Some fancy-pants shopping mall have just introduced a new automated security team, the Protectors (No's 1, 2 and 3), three ultramodern security robots, programmed to protect the mall from intruders after hours. It should have been so easy. The robots were meant to be able to distinguish between baddies and good guys just by asking to see an identity badge...but somewhere it just went horribly wrong. I guess it's difficult to precise programming when your computer just has a few rows of flashing square lights.

One of the protectors

Anyway, a group of young mall employees are taking advantage of their keyholding responsibilities by having an after hours party at The Furniture King, one of the shops. They do what teenagers do in these kind of movies...get drunk, fool around, strut around in their underwear etc. And then...BOOM! the robots go crazy and start killing them off one by one. They have to take full advantage of what the mall has to offer and find the tools to outsmart those robots. I like to think this is all intended to be some some powerful satirical comment of American consumerism a la Romero's Dawn Of The Dead, but I doubt it...I think it's pretty much just robots killing kids and the kids fighting back.

Of course it's ridiculous...it's called Chopping Mall...but it's also totally awesome. Seriously, watch it...or I'll send the Protectors after you.

Trailer...

The Doberman Gang (1972)

So, there's not much to say about The Doberman Gang apart from...YOU NEED TO SEE IT!

After a failed bank robbery, leader Eddie realises something. It's always human errors that messes things up for him. His plans are always perfect...apart from that human element, which he can't control to a 100%.

What to do? He considers robots (please let there be a sequel involving robots), but that seems a bit too complicated. I suppose, it's 1972 after all.

But, one day...he realises! Dogs! Vicious dogs trained to rob a bank!

DOGS!

ROBBING A BANK!

Add a kick-ass and completely insane soundtrack and you have the best damn dog heist film I've ever seen.

It seems to be unavailable on DVD at the moment. But, the internet is your friend.

In fact, the whole film seems to be available on youtube at the moment

AWESOME!

Film you need to watch - CLASS OF 1999

"Now be careful! These things are like a bad, fucked up, George Jetson nightmare!"


Some films are just immune to criticism and nothing you can say will take away from the fact that it's just a really fun and awesome film. Class of 1999 is one of those rare films. You can complain as much as you want about the dodgy acting or absolutely ridiculous plot, but it just doesn't matter. It has Pam Grier playing a robot teacher with flame throwers for arms, so screw you! Any criticism is immediately rendered invalid due to this fact. Class of 1999 is fucking awesome! It also one of the most insanely ridiculous things I've seen in a long, long time. But, it is mainly awesome and I was wearing a giant 'what-the-fuck-is-happening?' grin from start to finish.


Made in 1990 and set in 1999, a future where American schools are suffering from serious "discipline issues". Most inner-city high schools have been taken over by gangs and police refuse to enter these so-called 'fire-free zones'. A new program run by Dr. Bob Forrest aims at fixing this discipline problem by taking cyborgs, originally intended for military combat, and using them as teachers. Our hero and former troublemaker Cody Culp is released from prison and arrives back at school and finds that things are worse than ever between his old gang The Blackhearts and their enemies the Razor Heads.


However, Cody has no desire to return to jail and is determined to stay out of trouble, something which proves rather difficult for a number of reasons. He develops an interest in the new headmaster's daughter, something which is never good for the 'street cred' of a former gang banger. He also is the first one to suspect something is not what it seems with these new teachers, who are taking a rather heavy-handed approach to teaching. Can he convince his former enemies to join forces in time? Cue shitloads of guns, blood, amazing outfits, explosions, weird drugs and old-school computer graphics and stop-motion animation.


Class of 1999 is a hell of a ride and I strongly suggest you get on it. Actually, you should start by watching Director Mark Lester's previous effort Class Of 1984, which is every bit as awesome, but actually maybe a "better" film.

5 out of 5

The Corpse Grinders

Yeah that's right, the name of the film I just watched is The Corpse Grinders, a 1971 "horror" directed by a Ted V. Mikels. With such a great title came high expectations, but I realised pretty quickly that the name was as good as it was ever gonna get. Not anywhere near as grisly as I expected, not the least bit scary and would in general have been a total waste of my time, had it not been reasonably goofy and even charming at times.

So, what's the deal? Well, ok. Previously harmless cats are going crazy all over town, biting and even killing their unsuspecting owners. At the same time, dodgy cat food brand Lotus are doing great business. Could there be a connection? Of course there is! Their special secret ingredient happens to be human flesh and this is what's giving the cats their bloodlust. But where does one go for this ingredient? Well, a good place to start would be the cemetary. Lucky for factory owners Landau and Maltby there's a crazy couple living just by the cemetary and they're more than happy to dig up corpses for a bit of cash. Doctor Howard Glass and nurse Angie notice their cat behaving aggressively and when more people are attacked they get suspicious and try to find out what the hell is going on. Meanwhile, Landau and Maltbyy stops using cemetary-fresh corpses for a while and starts killing homeless people instead, working up some good mileage on their factory grinder. It's a race against time, good vs evil. Will Howard and Angie discover the secret and get to Landau and Maltby before more people are killed. And who is that man in a moustache that keeps watching everything? He looks like an undercover cop and acts like an undercover cop. Could he perhaps be....an undercover cop?

There are so many flaws in this film, it would just be tedious going into too much detail. The plot is pretty bad, the script is terrible, as is the acting. It looks like a bad tv soap opera....and so on. But, you know...it kept me interested enough to want to see the end. There are some strange characters that keeps it watchable, but also more confusing since they don't really serve any purpose. There's a one-legged mute woman working in the factory, who for some reason is the only one Landau treats with any kind of respect. He's even quite nice to her. And for someone who is usually pretty quick to throw just about anyone into the grinder, that's pretty unusual. I'm not quite sure what the purpose of this is. To show he has a heart? A bit late for that. Then there's also the weird couple in the cemetary, Caleb and Cleo. Cleo has a doll that she treats like a real child, but we never really find out why.

Hmmm...I doubt I'll ever watch this again, but at the same time I don't regret having seen it. A pretty terrible little oddity of a film.

The trailer...



The Corpse Grinders on imdb